If you read this before Monday…you’re so lucky!
So I was just having a moment of contemplation (I have a lot of moments like that, honestly). You know, when you sit back and think about some obscure topic and you have an epiphany. Well, it wasn’t quite an epiphany, but it was close.
I have a vivid imagination, mostly revolving around natural disasters, attack scenarios, and such. You might think that’s strange, but I’m sure you’ve thought: ‘What would happen if I was attacked while brushing my teeth?’ If you haven’t, you really should. What would happen? Would you close the bathroom door and hope they’d just think you really had to go? Would you grab the mouthwash and splash it in their face? (cause that stuff stings) Or would you, like me, stab them with the pointy end of your toothbrush? Oh yes, this seems like a winner. First of all, you’re startled so you’re going to have one of two responses: fight or flight. Now, if you’re like me and you don’t have a window in your bathroom, there’s nowhere to run to, so you have to fight. Hence, the toothbrush. The pointy end is kind of dull, but you could gouge them in the eyes or stab them in the neck (it worked for Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas except he used a pen).
I don’t want you to think I’m a violent person. Contrary to what my psychologist friend says, I do not carry a shovel in the trunk of my car, nor do I own a rocket launcher. It would be awesome to have one, but I think it would clash with the furniture.
I also don’t have anger issues. I really don’t. Usually if I get angry, I blow up (or get quiet and plot the death of my enemies), and get over it. Oh sure, I’ve had that moment when I imagined going after a co-worker with a staple gun, but it’s a staple gun! C’mon! We all have those fantasies and if you don’t, then you’re not living! *cough*
I mean, Monty Python brought us the ‘how to defend yourself against an attacker wielding a banana’, why can’t we defend ourselves with our toothbrushes? I took part in a tough chicks workshop and learned that anything can be used as a defense weapon. You know, regular household items: Pam (cause it not keeps your food from sticking, but can blind), windex (no streaks and it burns, baby!), desert eagle .50 (cause you want to be sure you hit your target).
I apologize to anyone who doesn’t have these strange thoughts. I’m in a weird mood today. Could it be the impending visit to my dentist that has me thinking of violence? What kind of sick person wants to put their hands in people’s mouths for a living? And why do they always want to talk to you when they have their hands in your mouth? I mean seriously, can you understand ‘un-nnn gahneh agh’? I can’t and I’m the one saying it!
So do you have any weird thoughts you’d like to share with the rest of the class? I promise I won’t judge. I might even share the daydreams I used to have that my elementary school would collapse and Duran Duran would come to save me (and only me, of course).