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Fondled and Gobbled: Is Your Jaw Tired Yet?

So sorry, I couldn’t resist that title. *ponders getting the Cabal to agree to adding that to our long list of anthology titles*

It’s been a week since the Cabal officially began to fondle and gobble the masses and they’ve spoken:
Terri with Night Owl Reviews gave Fondled and Gobbled: Someone Had To Do It 4.5/5.0 stars “Five fantastic authors have taken scenes and made them spoofs.  This twist on current romance may have you laughing hysterically.  Each story is totally unique and has it’s own unique twist but all end with a happy ending though some are somewhat strange.  No matter what type of romance you like, read this one.” 

Nikki with Close Encounters with the Night Kind gave Fondled and Gobbled: Someone Had To It 5/5 spiders. “All in all this was an incredibly enjoyable and entertaining read!  Even the hot parts had humor in them!  These ladies have tapped into something fresh, and I can’t wait for more!!  One taste was not enough.  I definitely can’t wait to gobble up the next one!!  Great Read!!”

And then there’s what we’re doing next. We’re some busy ladies, I tell you!
Like, today we’re over at Patricia Macia’s blog with character interviews. This is just a little peek at the insanity we brought. *cough*

Q: Please introduce yourselves and give me a two sentence synopsis of your story. 

Lucius: *looks around at all the women and lifts his chin* I’m Lucius, and I’m not sure what the fuss is all about. I just tried to have a quiet sneak-fuck and ended up trussed like a turkey, being assaulted. *gets a faraway look in his eyes* Never realized how much fun that could be…
Steele: I’m Steele Ana. I was working in a dead end job, but then Grey Christian came in and we fell instantly in love! He promptly insisted I move into his awesome penthouse in Seattle, and of course I said yes!
Missy: *tapping the screen* Can you guys hear me? Yes? Good. I’m Missy. *waving* Um, I’m on Oz’s ship someplace in the next galaxy over from the Milky Way. We’re heading to his planet, I guess. Anyway, after he took me from Earth I’m not too worried about where we’re going. He’s hunky, I was single… enough said, right?
Holly: *Pauses in the middle of flipping through Big Toys for Big O’s magazine* What’s there to talk about? I like sex. I like orgasms even more. My man, Caid Kincaid gives me what I need. Sort of. *slouches in her chair* Most of the time. *Slouches more* He’s really trying. *Glares at Lucius* Ain’t fair how some people get all the luck. *Mutters something about cock enlargement devices*
Emily: Hi! First off, thanks for having me. I’m Emily Justasalad, and I’m…well, I’m just a regular girl, so all this attention is taking me a little time to get used to. My story is really one about triumph and self-discovery–you know, learning to love yourself! Oh yeah, and I came to this realization by having an all-out, five-hot-men-on-one-Emily, Broadshaft Brothers orgy on my kitchen table. It might not work for everyone, but it was certainly therapeutic for me.
 
This is where we’ll be next week:
February 17 – NAC Blog
* Naughty Hotness
February 18 – NAC Blog
* Bootay Hotness
February 19 – Mari Carr’s Blog
February 19 – Coffee Time Romance Chat (9p.m. EST)

February 20 – NAC Blog
*Chocolate Hotness
February 21 – NAC Blog
* Honey Hotness
February 24 – NAC Blog
* Glacial Hotness
 
And on February 22, the second volume in the anthology, Fondled and Gobbled: Going Back for Seconds will be unleashed on the world! Bwahaha!
goingbackforseconds_msr

The virgin whose carefully planned hymen removal doesn’t work out the way romance novels told her it would. A busty broad doing what she can to get over her penis anxiety—assisted by a cadre of male strippers. A not-so-bright (and not so “big”) alien who comes to claim his life-mate, and the Earth girl who wants to be claimed at all costs. A cursed, mute shapeshifter who needs to pop his cherry with his unsuspecting fated mate…

If you’re looking for the perfect romance with the perfect hero and heroine—this isn’t it! This series of spoofs, parodies and just-for-fun take-offs is for longtime, hard-core romance readers able to laugh at the clichés, purple prose and “suspend your disbelief” plot devices that haunt our beloved favorite genre.

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Connor’s Interview

Connor Griffin was next to impossible to meet with. If possible, he was a harder interview than Lucian was (and you all remember Lucian’s interview.). I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. They are friends after all.

So, when Connor finally agreed to meet with me, it wasn’t where I expected. Um, we met at his hotel. I’m blushing while I write this! He’s sexy, possibly even sexier than Lucian and that’s really saying something!

Connor’s stats:

Height: 6’3″

Weight: 250

Hair: Brown hair

Eyes: Blue (Crystal blue people!)

Have I mentioned he’s drop dead sexy? Oh. Okay, just making sure I didn’t forget to mention it because he’s muy caliente!

Danica: Connor! Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.

Connor: Lucian said you were okay. He said you might be able to help me find someone. Have you seen this werewolf?

He thrust a picture under my nose of a…well, a werewolf in human form. I’d never seen the man before in my life. Have I mentioned that Connor is um, intense?

D: Um, no, sorry. Is he the nephew you’ve been looking for?

C: How do you know about him if you’ve never seen him?

D: I interviewed Piper Fairhaven the other day.

Remember those ice blue eyes? Those gorgeous eyes surrounded by thick, long eyelashes that give him a sleepy-eyed look? Well, they began swirling with amber until I swear, I was looking into the eyes of a wolf! I almost peed my pants cause really, this was an honest to God werewolf I was talking to!

C: Her. What did she say about him? Did she lie to me?

D: Um, nothing, and no. You do realize this is my interview, right? You’re supposed to answer my questions.

C: Hmph.

D: So…you’re the Alpha of your pack?

C: Just until my nephew is ready to take it over.

D: But your nephew’s fully grown! Why can’t he take it over now?

C: He’s barely out of transition. Okay, maybe not barely. He’s fifty-two, but I don’t think he’s ready for the responsibility. Look what he’s got me doing! Instead of being with his pack, learning how to lead it, he takes off for the bright lights of Cypress Point!

I have a feeling at this point, my face was showing just how crazy I thought he was. Cypress Point has maybe two stop lights, barely a thousand residents, and no nightlife that I know of.

D: Um. Okay. How do you know Lucian? How’s he’ doing by the way?

C: We were in the Guild Academy together. I hadn’t seen him for a while, but it looks like he’s doing fine. Mated, enjoying fatherhood it looks like.

D: What about you? Do you have a mate picked out?

C: Gods, no! My nephew is the one who’ll be providing cubs for the pack. No mates, no kids for me.

D: Well, what do you plan to do when he takes over the pack?

C: I’m going to return to my studies. I write historical texts on the Veilerian races. It’s very time consuming, but history is a passion for me.

D: Oh, me too!

I totally giggled, but I don’t run across many history buffs who look like him!

D: Right. So what did you think of Piper?

C: She’s a succubus.

D: Yes. What did you think of her? She seemed nice to me, funny too.

C: She’s a succubus. They’re all charming and fun until they kill you. Well, maybe not you cause you’re female.

D: Um. Why don’t you like succubi?

I instantly realized this was a bad question. His face went from somewhat friendly, to downright hostile. This is when I started to think I shouldn’t have agreed to meet with him in his hotel room. I mean, HELLO! he’s a werewolf! He could kill me without even blinking.

C: A succubus killed my brother. They’re nothing but filthy soul suckers.

D: Okay. Well, um. She seems to like you.

It was a lie, and he knew it because he laughed. Going from pissed off to laughing, yeah I like.

C: She hates my guts. Okay, you want to know the truth? She’s the most beautiful female I’ve ever seen in my life. She makes me feel crazy. I want to push her away, then chase her down like prey.

I gulped loudly. That was soo sexy!

D: So are you going to see her again?

C: I don’t know, probably. She’s my only link to finding my nephew right now. I hate dealing with succubi, but if she knows where he might be, or knows someone who does, she hasn’t seen the last of me.

D: I just have a few more questions, easy ones, I swear.

C: Fine, fine. Not like I have anything else to do.

D: What’s your favorite color?
C: Gold.

D: Where do you see yourself in five years?

C: What’s with people asking that? I’m not an Oracle, lady. I can’t predict the future, but I’d like to see my nephew as the Alpha, and myself in my library learning.

D: How will you get Piper to see you again?
I shivered. He gave me this slow smile, his amber eyes turned smoky, and hubba, hubba-woo-woo! If he had asked, I’d have stripped. I mean, not stripped. I’d have slapped his face and told him I’m not that kind of girl!!

C: She won’t have a choice, but to see me again. And I think that’s all the questions for now.

D: S-sure! Thank you, Connor, for taking time out to do this.

C: No problem, and if you see my nephew,  you’ll let me know?

D: Of course…

And just like that, I found myself standing in the hallway of the hotel. I’m not entirely sure how I walked across the room and through the door without noticing, but it probably had something to do with a hand on my elbow, and a beautiful man distracting me. I almost stomped my foot in frustration, then I realized…things are only going to get better between Connor and Piper, and I’d have a front row seat!

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Piper’s Interview

It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to get down to Cypress Point. The town is still lovely, and the Veilerians are still in full force (not that I’m supposed to know anything about them, of course). However, I managed to track down the ever-elusive Piper Fairhaven.

We met up at Cuppa’s, the only coffee shop in town. She arrived in her very sensible 2007 Honda Civic. Because I have an inside agreement with Kali (the Oracle), I know Piper hates dressing up, so I wasn’t surprised to see her in jeans and a “My Heroes Have Always Been in Books” T-shirt.

I was surprised though, by her appearance. She’s maybe 5’3″, and curvy. I mean that in the best way. She’s adorable! She also has the most gorgeous hair. If I thought I’d look just as good with black and gold striped hair,  I’d do it in a heartbeat. She also has the most eerie gold eyes I’ve ever seen.

Me: Hi Piper, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview!

Piper: I didn’t have much choice, you kept calling my cell phone, and threatened to come to the Pleasure House.

Okay, so perhaps I was too persistent.

M: So what exactly is a pleasure house?

P: It’s a home for succubi. Because succubi live off of male energy, it was deemed acceptable by the High Council that succubi could live together in familial units to generate and preserve male lust.

M: Um, so you guys are like…you know, a brothel?

She didn’t look too happy about my choice of words.

P: No. We don’t take payment, we don’t allow mated males, and we have very strict rules. My mother, Persephone, is the Seductarian and she’d never allow anything that would harm the house. The males who visit the house know what they’re getting into.

M: Your mom’s the what, leader then? Who works in the house? You?

She blushed. Who knew succubi could blush? I thought they were all unflappable sex kittens. Huh, you learn something new everyday.

P: Um. My sisters Penny, Posy, Prudence, and Pauline choose their escorts for the night. I work the door with another bouncer to make sure the males who aren’t chosen don’t become rowdy.

M: Why don’t you, er work with your sisters?

We were both blushing by now.

P: I’m uh, not- I haven’t transitioned yet.

I looked around to make sure no one was listening.

M: I heard that you’re a Halfling.

P: What! Who told you that?

M: I have my sources, all confidential, I’m afraid.

P: Well, let me tell you something Ms. Avet, if word gets out about this, it could mean my life, so I hope you’re careful with what you know.

M: No one will know, trust me.

You guys won’t say anything, will you?

P: Then  yes, I am a Halfling. My mom, um, had an affair with a weretiger and er, had me. If my father’s streak finds out about me, it could have political…implications

I barely held back my ‘whoa’. I wanted to ask her more, but she was fidgeting, so I decided to change the subject.

M: Um, I’m to understand that you’re working with a werewolf on something?

Remember I said she had eerie gold eyes? Well, they’re really scary when she’s pissed off.

P: Yes. Connor Griffin. He’s the temporary Alpha of the Tall Pines Pack in Wolf Gap, Texas. He’s here looking for his nephew.

She was totally disgusted when she said his name, but she looked intrigued too. There was more to this story and I couldn’t wait to find out what.

M: Why don’t you like him?

P: Because he’s an arrogant ass! Oops.

Everyone had stopped to stare at us, especially the kid working behind the counter. In fact, he turned beet red and ran to the bathroom. Hm. When I looked back at Piper, her face was just as red.

P: He’s rude, overbearing…rude…nasty tempered…Sexy, okay? He’s friggin’ sexy. The ass.

M: O-kay, so why is he looking for his nephew here?

P: I don’t know. He asked to meet with my mom, but she sent me instead cause-

This was getting good!

M: Because?

P: Gah, I think she’s trying to get me to sleep with him.

M: Whoa. Why?

She looked around and leaned forward. I obliged her unspoken request for privacy.

P: Um, I have to lose my virginity to reach my full succubus potential and I think she wants Connor to do it.

M: Holy cow…you’re a virgin? How old are you?

Now she looked offended. I have a big mouth sometimes, but really, she’s a bloody succubus! Well, a succubus/weretiger Halfling, but she’s totally hot. Not that I’m into women, but all the men in the coffee shop were trying to watch her without getting caught.

P: I’m seventy-four, and I’m a virgin because…because I don’t know! I don’t…I don’t want to be a succubus, dammit. I want to fall in love with one man, have children, and be happy. But does mom get that? Noooo, she thinks I have this destiny to lead the house for her when she retires.

That was much more information than I thought I’d get, so I was content. Wow, so her mom was trying to get her to have sex. What a weird mother-daughter relationship!

M: And she wants Connor to do this?

P: She suggested it, not very subtly either. She’s always throwing men in my way. I’m almost tripping over them when I go out the house now.

M: That sounds awful.

Sarcasm, thou hast overcome me again!

P: It is horrible! These men don’t want to do anything but have sex. I want a partner, a friend…you know. I want to live like a regular woman. To them, I’m just a sex object.

M: Ouch. So what are you going to do?

P: I don’t know. Avoid Connor Griffin at all costs, if I can.

M: But I thought he was hot.

P: He is! He just hates succubi, okay? He hates me, and he doesn’t even know me.

At this point, Piper was near tears, so I couldn’t go on. Poor lass. Thrown in the path of a male (who is apparently very sexy, rude, arrogant, blah, blah, blah) who hates what she was by a mother who wants her to have sex with him. Wow, and I thought I had problems.

M: I’m sorry for upsetting you, Piper. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

P: It’s okay. Everything seems to upset me these days.

M: How about I treat you to a Snickers Crush Iced Mocha?

P: That sounds good.

We spent the rest of the afternoon drinking the most divine drinks, and talking about romance books. Apparently Piper is as much a romance bookworm as I am. I just hope my interview with Connor goes a little better. Maybe I’ll wait a little longer before I meet with him.

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