There’s so much going on right now. Book ideas flying out at me from all sides, family drama, work, things to look forward to and things I’m dreading that sometimes I feel as though I’m being buried alive. No, this post isn’t all depressing and “poor me”. I’m actually okay with all the chaos that’s become my life. Apparently I’m the kind of person who thrives on pressure even as it gives me panic attacks.
I’m not entirely sure what this post is about to be honest. I started to go into my DJ spiel talking about the song I’m going to play when I began listening to it. Tool is one of my favorite bands of all time. I’ve loved their music since I was 16 and it never gets old. In fact, I find that as I get older, their songs mature with me giving me a different perspective and meaning. I used to love it just because it was kick ass and melodic and heavy. As I aged, I dug deeper into the lyrics and the meaning behind them and discovered a whole new reason to love them. I know, that makes me sound shallow, that I just liked them because they were different from the usual and heavy, but aren’t all teenagers about the surface anyway? Most of them at least.
But there’s a line in today’s song that just reaches out to me and it has been for several weeks. I don’t talk much about my very personal life because I try to keep everything on the light side, but without darkness there would be no light. Almost a year ago, my dad went into the hospital to have a tumor removed from his stomach. While he was recovering from surgery, he had a heart attack that landed him in CCU for fourteen days. We nearly lost him and then it was discovered he has stage 4 stomach cancer. Without getting into all the details, he isn’t taking any kind of chemo or other treatment. He’s doing okay for now, but we all know it isn’t going to last. It’s been a roller coaster my sister and I have been trying to cram as much time with him as we can.
So when I’m listening to this song and hear the line, “We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion”, it reminds me to live in the now, to accept everything as it comes and remember that this isn’t the end. All the stress of real life, writing life, family life, work, etc., all of it means nothing if I can’t appreciate the good that comes from all of it, to understand that the physical isn’t all we are. Yes, even my dad’s illness. The good is that it’s helped to brush aside a lot of negative things that have been stewing for a while, it’s brought me and my sister closer and us both closer to him. I think one of the hardest things for us all is to remember that each difficulty in life brings us one step closer to being the people we were born to be. Does that make sense?
Enough of all this rambling. I love Tool. I love this song. Hope you can appreciate it as much as I do!