Sarcasm, I Has It

I think I may have mentioned before about my penchant for sarcasm. I don’t mean to be sarcastic. I don’t intentionally set out to say things that might make people feel horrible or embarrassed or anything, it just…sort of spews out. Like a volcano. And I don’t hold back for age either. Shameful really, but this is why I’m no one should trust me with the rearing of children (Are you listening my darling sister-in-law? Look at my nephews and you’ll see my mark on them…just sayin’, poor baby Bennett will have  a tongue sharper than your carving knives).

Anyway…I’m at the salon with my sister. This little girl, she couldn’t have been more than seven or eight was at the station next to us. She was there with her mom and aunts getting ready for a wedding. She twirled and danced and sang and annoyed me. (I know, I’m horrible!)

She looked over at me sitting in my chair with foil in my hair and said, “I’m a princess today”” all smug-like. I glanced over at her in her cute little dress witih her pretty long hair and said, “I’m a queen every day.” She blinked at me. My sister hid her face behind her hands laughing hysterically. The little girl kind of eased away. I know! I know, I’m going to Hell, but she asked for it!

Then yesterday I had a conversation with two of my co-workers. One of them knew about my exciting sushi excursion and asked me about it.

Co-worker 1: So, did you get your sushi?

Me: Yes and it was excellent!

Co-worker 2: Sushi?! Isn’t that raw fish? *Co-worker 1 and I nodded* Oh, man, what are you a cannibal or something?

Me: Well, since I’m not a fish, I think I’m safe…

Was that wrong? I don’t think so. I mean, hello? Do I have gills? Fins? Scales? No. And the Japanese have been eating sushi for centuries with no problems unless they go for the puffer fish and since I don’t plan on eating a fish that might kill me, I think I’m fine. Really.

So see this book reading/signing I’m going to this weekend? You can see why I would worry about how I’ll act. Notice I’m not worried about my sister who claims to be my number one fan (no cause for concern, I’m keeping her away from sledgehammers and logs and knives and anything else). I’m not worried about my mom slapping me on the back hard enough to puncture a lung and saying I’m a “bad girl”. I’m worried about what’ll come out of my mouth. Sarcasm I have in spades…social graces? Meh.

How about you? Do you worry about saying something you really shouldn’t?


Filed under humor

10 responses to “Sarcasm, I Has It

  1. I worry about that all the time. I can say inappropriate things all day long. I was told by a lawyer when I was in law school that I’d be held in contempt the first week if I didn’t learn to shut up. I have almost bitten my tongue off on occasion, but I’m proud to say I’ve never been held in contempt… yet.

  2. I’m not witty enough to be sarcastic. Can’t think fast enough on my feet. LOL!! I liked your reply about the “I’m not a fish…” LOL. That cracked me up!

  3. KAK

    “I’m a queen every day.” That’s awesome…and not a wholly dream-crushing answer.

    I’d, unfortunately, lean toward, “Excellent. I’m a dragon who is feeling a tish hungry.”

  4. I’m always saying the wrong thing. 😦 BTW – I love Sushi and your comment to both the little girl and your co-worker.

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