Is The Excitement Over?

I realize last week the reason I had lackluster blog posts is because I had very little material to write about. 

***Warning, this is a looong post.***

Boy, did I screw up. This weekend had to be the strangest, most painful weekend I’ve had since I passed kidney stones on my 30th birthday. Yeah, that was a stellar weekend, too.

So let’s see where it started. I’ve been bitching complaining about my cell phone for months and was counting down until my upgrade. On Friday, I discovered I was finally eligible! Yay! There was much rejoicing. I went to bed early on Friday night so I could get to the store bright and early. I did my nightly ritual of plugging in my cell to charge, walked around my bed and SLAM! broke my pinky toe on the bench at the foot of my bed. I just barely managed not to scream, but there was a lot of whimpering and “owowowowowowowow” sounds as I put myself in bed. There isn’t much you can do for a broken toe.

Saturday morning, my cell phone obviously knew it was about to take the long walk and refused to do anything but reboot. Constantly. I finally had to turn it completely off. I headed out to the store and hellooooo nurse! Cute sales rep worked with me. Unfortunately, I was flustered and kept getting my words mixed up saying “swap” instead of “swipe” and things like that. I got the phone, by the way, and it’s full of AWESOME! I’ve now discovered the joys of Angry Birds (I’m addicted and haven’t picked up my Kindle since Saturday morning) and Words with Friends. I heart my phone.

Sunday looked to be a great day. Just me and my phone. Because I’d stayed up so late Saturday playing Angry Birds, I took a nap…it was a nice nap, refreshing and relaxing. I opened my eyes with a happy sigh. That felt so—

A scream of absolute terror had me vaulting out of bed like I was a superhero. I swear, y’all, I was still half-asleep running through the house to find out why my mother was screaming like she’d just been stabbed. I see her, frozen in the kitchen, her eyes wide with terror.

Me: What’s wrong?
Mom: S-S-Snake!
Me: *jumping on the nearest high object and looking around* Where???

She points at a spot somewhere in front of here, which is nowhere near me (thank God), and I climb off the sofa to peek. There it was. A snake. About two and a half feet long and skinny. I couldn’t see any markings, but she assured me it was poisonous.

Holy. Crap.

I run back to my room to get my phone, my hands shaking so much I can barely browse through my contacts (forgetting I’d added my brother to favorites) and called him. In the most calm and collected voice I could manage, I told him about the snake.

He showed up wearing steel-toe boots, carrying a hoe and a shovel. This snake was going down! Except…the little beast had crawled under a cabinet and neither tool would fit. He tells me to keep an eye on it (which meant lying on the floor from a very safe distance away) while he goes to get something else. Meanwhile, Mom is still screaming, freaked out, in shock.

He comes back and realizes we don’t have a flashlight. He sends me to his house for one, while he keeps an eye on the snake and Mom, who still hasn’t moved, but is still screaming and babbling. To get her to move away from the area the snake was in, he threatened to throw it at her. (Did I mention my brother is just as phobic about snakes as we are and would probably have a heart attack if he had to touch one with his hands? In other words: Empty threat.) But it got her to move.

In the end, we got the snake out of the house where my brother then proceeded to take all of his fear out on it.

I was then tasked with the job of taking the flashlight and checking under and behind ever item of furniture we have in our house to look for more. Every peek under a cabinet, every close inspection under beds and behind bookcases, I held my breath as I prayed I wouldn’t find another one. I’ll take mice over snakes any day.

As we worked to calm ourselves in the aftermath, I mused that this had been one of the strangest weekends I’d had in a while. Oh it wasn’t all awful, don’t think that. I’m just very glad it’s over…

And that I got an awesome phone out of it…

And that we have a lamp we moved to the kitchen so we could keep an eye out for any other slithering things that might have gotten into the house.

9 Comments

Filed under humor

9 responses to “Is The Excitement Over?

  1. That is the funniest story I’ve heard all summer! Not for you, I guess but I’m glad you shared your misery with all of us!

    • LOL, Oh I can laugh about it now. In fact, we reenacted the entire snake fiasco to much hilarity later in the day. Hell, I was brushing my teeth this morning thinking about the look on my mom’s face and nearly choked myself with the toothbrush from laughing 😉

  2. I’m glad you put this in the “humor” category as that it was- in the re-telling that is. LOL! My mom is all-reptile-phobic and will go crazy over a garden frog or lizard. I picture your mom about like I would my own! I can see the whole thing as it played out. LOL! Glad all was well and the hero was able to get past his own fear to protect the women-folk.

  3. I saw a snake in our backyard once. Showed it to my husband. He wanted to keep it as a pet! It stayed outside (and I will never show him another!).

    Snakes and me do not get along. I’d be freaking right along with your mother! Glad it worked out for you, though.

  4. I’m sitting here laughing so hard the dogs are looking at me very strangely. I can see you lying on the floor! I swear, Danica, somewhere along the line we’re related. We have to be to have so many similar things happen in our families!

    Thanks for sharing the laughter!

    • Most people would think I’m making all of this stuff up…but I so swear I’m not. I wish I had made it up, then I wouldn’t have to tip-toe around my house searching the floor for slithery things that don’t belong! LOL

  5. Pingback: Back To Normal? | Unearthly Musings

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